- “People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel.”
2. “I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.”
3. “I’m teaching my daughter that the sun goes down each night because it’s mad at her. Probably gonna write a book on parenting at some point.”
4. “It’s 2016. I’m not going to start drinking regular milk just because some asshat has a problem with public breastfeeding at the beach.”
5. “No matter which kids book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy.”
6. “Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.”
7. “Call me old fashioned, but sending a dick pic is disgusting and lazy. Real love means sending a nice bouquet of penises.”
8. “My daughter’s only 6 months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge but honestly, it’s absolute garbage.”
9. “On our 6am walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting daddy’s freedom.”
10. “Tip: It’s important parents take little “time outs” for themselves too. Even if you feel pretty guilty when you return 14 years later.”
11. “My daughter just sneezed into my yawning mouth. Seemed really fucking pleased with herself. Joke’s on her. She’ll have to bury me someday.”
12. “I’m making an oil painting of my sister, Sarah. And it’s more difficult than I thought because I don’t have a sister.”
13. “My neighbors’ safe-word is, Hufflepuff. I only know this because I happened to jog past their bedroom window for an hour.”
14. “Love writing nursery rhymes for my daughter. Her favorites are, “Sunshine-Cuddle-Time!” and “Everyone You Know Will Eventually Die”
15. “Nothing better than spending an entire morning staring into my baby daughter’s eyes, whispering, “I can’t do this”.
16. “LOVE dressing my daughter in baby clothes. The itsy-bitsy pink pajamas. The tiny white socks. The black leather mask. Cuteness overload!”
17. “Got totally messed up on probiotics last night and digested the fuck out of dinner. Having a kid doesn’t stop this party train.”
18. “So cute. Asked my mom out to lunch and she yelled, “Squad-Goals!”. I laughed pretty hard before never ever seeing her again.”
19. “On Fathers Day, my daughter smiled at me. It was all the gift I needed as I packed a bag and left for 6 years to write a book on parenting.”
20 .”I’m still trying to get out of dinner meetings I had years ago.”
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